Sheryl Ziegler, Doctor of Psychology, shares what mothers need in their lives in order to experience happiness and help prevent …
36 COMMENTS
I think the problem is that we now live in seperate little houses. A long time ago we would be in a tribal group so others could hold and watch the baby and play with baby so way less pressure on just mum doing it. The way the modern world is today mother's are doing the job of all the extended family aswell and its too much for one person.
My mother is very unhappy. It’s led to neglect for her children because she felt so pressured that she ends up freezing and not being there emotionally for her kids and feeling like she is never supported enough. I’m unhappy at this neglect. How can we have a more positive relationship?
At-home father to a son with special needs. It is not only mothers who feel this way – it is not unique to womenkind. We may get closer to a solution if we stop erasing a huge portion of the affected
I’m a choice mom and I’ve never felt these things. I often feel as though (from my experience and conversations) that more married moms are the ones who are actually miserable.
I have a friend who really wants to have a baby. They are trying to get pregnant. They love going out dancing, camping, traveling whenever they feel like it. She swears their life won't change and I feel sorry for when she realizes she'll never have the same freedom again. I hope she comes to her senses and accepts the huge changes that will happen, otherwise she'll be miserable.
Being child free is a valid life choice …. But be aware that children — as cumbersome and inconvenient as they are — often bear fruit as we as parents approach mid and old age. Your children have children …. And that’s what helps make the retirement years fulfilling .
The solution is men go to work… and woman look after the children and socialize with other women. That is the way it was for thousands of years!! Women are not designed to be burdened with 9-5 work and solitude.
Motherhood is psychologically demanding due to the level of selflessness required. Being selfless doesn’t come naturally. That’s just the truth of it. So moms shouldn’t feel guilty. The reward is worth it in the end. Housewives need a lot of love and support because it dang sure ain’t easy.
I know some working moms who are lonely and depressed … so it’s not who’s working or not working … we talked with my husband how much I need “me time”. At least one a week I go spend time with a friend or If I feel like it I go alone🥰 and I come home refreshed and happy
I've found with me was that I failed to show up genuinenly and with vulnerability amongst the circles I had. I actually didn't know what was wrong with me and I knew id get asked why and how can we help when I had no clue. So I developed an internal languange that kept people at a distance. I'm now 40 years and have zero friends.
This is exactly what I’ve been trying to tell my husband! That I want to make friends because I feel kinda lonely. And not just friends but close friends. It’s so important to socialize!
I've been both a career Mom and am now a stay at home Mom. It's very true that as a working Mom I felt super guilty about leaving my babies to be, basically raised by someone else. So the guilt is very true. When I became a stay at home mom, yes the shaming started but you know what? I don't CARE about the shaming! I'm here full time for my babies AND I have time to sometimes hang out with by bff. I think my faith has given me peace/joy. I know my identity and I LOVE it. Faith has a huge part in finding that which is missing in your life. Maybe THAT'S the real problem.
I also agree that we are lacking supportive community that allowed humanity to raise kids for a very long time. Now we are isolated, overwhelmed, unprepared and unsupported.
The fault doesn’t lie in the children, or having the responsibilities. It falls within mothers thinking they need to devote all their time and energy into the child and the house for the next 18 years. Some moms need to stop being the Oedipal mother as well. A lot more moms would be happy if they prioritized going out with friends, date nights with hubby, not focusing all your daily attention on your kids and what they need when staying at home with them, and having goals for your personal development.
I imagine covid has made the isolation plain as day without all the business to distract our minds from it. The fear of spreading an invisible disease keeps us from activity that filled that void. Little bits of contact that were just enough to get us through another day. Things that would have been difficult enough became overwhelming. We weren't meant to live like this.
I was a former RN and became a Stay at Home Mom at 35. My life before motherhood was unfulfilled, draining, mundane and I hated it. Now, 3 years later, I’m loving every single day and embrace being a Mom. I’m much happier in traditional gender roles and my husband is an extremely supportive friend, partner and parent. He works very hard as an Executive Director and Partner at his consulting firm. I’m so appreciative for the opportunity to be able to be who I truly am and that’s a Stay at Home Mom and Wife.
What’s the key you ask? Don’t feel obligated to do these pointless Mommy and me groups. They are filled with negative women and gossip. You get pulled in and the life sucked out of you for feeling the need to commit to these other women’s expectations of motherhood. Just do you and don’t take on the world!
Being a mother is THE single most rewarding thing any woman can do. I’ve raised three children and now onto grandchildren. Not raising them but enjoying them and helping as much as i can. My husband and I cut back on every expense we possibly could so that I could stay home and raise our babies. My husband is an excellent provider and even though we didn’t have a lot of money in those early years, we did fun things with the kids such as taking walks every evening, family movie nights with homemade pizza, playing in the backyard with an inflatable pool. I had other friends who also stayed home with their babies and we took walks together and had our kids playing together as well. My husband is also an excellent father and he would take the kids from me many days when he came home from work so I could have an hour or two of alone time if I needed it. We have a partnership. We each do whatever needs to be done but since I’m the one home most of the time, I GLADLY do most of the cooking, cleaning, etc and he does the vehicle maintenance, lawn care etc. I would beg women to please not let society make you feel like you’re less than or even to tell you you’re depressed when you’re home with precious babies. They are a gift from God. There is absolutely no greater work you could be doing. And there is no ‘stuff’ worth leaving them in someone else’s care during those important precious years where, of course your exhausted sometimes! You’re doing THE most important job in the world when you’re comforting a sick child! Of COURSE it’s hard! The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world! It’s the hardest job in the world but it is absolutely the most rewarding in the world too. Don’t give in to the pressures of society.
Today, I drove my 6 year old to school and rushed back home to attend an online meeting, I am a project manager for a web3 startup and just now I finished washing our dishes from the entire day, and here I am unable to watch the entire video coz I'm so sleepy. Then I get a hug from my daughter saying: "Mom, it's time to sleep." And you know what, I'm the happiest.
If you can’t handle everything and responsibility then don’t. But when you’re 56 with no kids no partner and alone. Be prepared to face the reality that maybe you were wrong in being so selfish
This talk didn’t say anything new. I actually found this talk to be uninspiring unfortunately. I don’t want kids. Based on how many women talk about how lonely it is, depressing, how miserable they are. It would have more valuable to hear about how we can do this differently – ok yes have a friend but is that going to solve the amount of time you spend in a car shuttling kids around? No. Is this going to solve the problem of being isolated in the suburbs? No. What are actual tangible solutions??
I worry about my sister in law, she had a baby 6 mos ago & she’s been doing things she never normally would have done. She doesn’t seem content with her new life, and like she’s trying to fill a hole. I don’t want to tell her what she’s doing wrong, bc she thinks it’s right & it would upset her & come off as judgement. It’s not, I just don’t want to see her sabotage her marriage & look back with a bunch of regrets.
Thank you, I just found you, and already started to listen to your Podcast. I am a mom of two and returning to my career after seven years and need to stay positive of leaving them to the care of Grandma and dad when I am at the office FT weekly.
It's funny when a TedX speaker says a bunch of stuff that's already been pointed out for years, but they act like they're letting us in on new discoveries.
Yesss. The hardest is the first 2 years, when your baby can’t talk to you and you can’t really do too much with them. It gets extremely lonely in the first 2 years.
Geez I know writing in YouTube's comment section is risky, but I am so happy I found this video, and I love to come to the comments to read other moms perspectives just to not feel alone. What I am having trouble with is the amount of comments of people without kids that found this comment section the perfect place to explain or gloat to people with kids how much better life is for them because they don't have kids. I know that if anyone does respond it might be on of these people whom need to seek validation for their choice and might feel triggered that I pointed this out, but when I didn't have kids…which wasn't long ago I only have one 4 year old. I never sought out parenting videos or conversations because that lifestyle wasn't on my radar. So I guess my question is what makes a person who made the choice to not have kids come on a page to tell people with kids how great their life is without them? (SN: you opinion or perspective is valid.)
This video maid me emotional I have children and all the feelings you said is what I have and do feel, but to have a family and to see them grow is what makes me happy, nothing comes easy and its about finding a balance. No wo/man is an island.
I think the problem is that we now live in seperate little houses. A long time ago we would be in a tribal group so others could hold and watch the baby and play with baby so way less pressure on just mum doing it. The way the modern world is today mother's are doing the job of all the extended family aswell and its too much for one person.
My mother is very unhappy. It’s led to neglect for her children because she felt so pressured that she ends up freezing and not being there emotionally for her kids and feeling like she is never supported enough. I’m unhappy at this neglect. How can we have a more positive relationship?
At-home father to a son with special needs. It is not only mothers who feel this way – it is not unique to womenkind. We may get closer to a solution if we stop erasing a huge portion of the affected
I’m a choice mom and I’ve never felt these things. I often feel as though (from my experience and conversations) that more married moms are the ones who are actually miserable.
I have a friend who really wants to have a baby. They are trying to get pregnant. They love going out dancing, camping, traveling whenever they feel like it. She swears their life won't change and I feel sorry for when she realizes she'll never have the same freedom again. I hope she comes to her senses and accepts the huge changes that will happen, otherwise she'll be miserable.
Being child free is a valid life choice …. But be aware that children — as cumbersome and inconvenient as they are — often bear fruit as we as parents approach mid and old age. Your children have children …. And that’s what helps make the retirement years fulfilling .
The solution is men go to work… and woman look after the children and socialize with other women. That is the way it was for thousands of years!! Women are not designed to be burdened with 9-5 work and solitude.
Motherhood is psychologically demanding due to the level of selflessness required. Being selfless doesn’t come naturally. That’s just the truth of it. So moms shouldn’t feel guilty. The reward is worth it in the end. Housewives need a lot of love and support because it dang sure ain’t easy.
I know some working moms who are lonely and depressed … so it’s not who’s working or not working … we talked with my husband how much I need “me time”. At least one a week I go spend time with a friend or If I feel like it I go alone🥰 and I come home refreshed and happy
I've found with me was that I failed to show up genuinenly and with vulnerability amongst the circles I had. I actually didn't know what was wrong with me and I knew id get asked why and how can we help when I had no clue. So I developed an internal languange that kept people at a distance. I'm now 40 years and have zero friends.
This is exactly what I’ve been trying to tell my husband! That I want to make friends because I feel kinda lonely. And not just friends but close friends. It’s so important to socialize!
Mothers are miserable because they are not actually getting to nurture their progeny
Im a dad and I even feel like this lol.
Hang in there you -> moms -> we love you!
I've been both a career Mom and am now a stay at home Mom. It's very true that as a working Mom I felt super guilty about leaving my babies to be, basically raised by someone else. So the guilt is very true. When I became a stay at home mom, yes the shaming started but you know what? I don't CARE about the shaming! I'm here full time for my babies AND I have time to sometimes hang out with by bff. I think my faith has given me peace/joy. I know my identity and I LOVE it. Faith has a huge part in finding that which is missing in your life. Maybe THAT'S the real problem.
I'm happy thank you very much but my husband understands the luxury of having a stay at home wife and mother for his family
I also agree that we are lacking supportive community that allowed humanity to raise kids for a very long time.
Now we are isolated, overwhelmed, unprepared and unsupported.
The fault doesn’t lie in the children, or having the responsibilities. It falls within mothers thinking they need to devote all their time and energy into the child and the house for the next 18 years. Some moms need to stop being the Oedipal mother as well. A lot more moms would be happy if they prioritized going out with friends, date nights with hubby, not focusing all your daily attention on your kids and what they need when staying at home with them, and having goals for your personal development.
I imagine covid has made the isolation plain as day without all the business to distract our minds from it. The fear of spreading an invisible disease keeps us from activity that filled that void. Little bits of contact that were just enough to get us through another day. Things that would have been difficult enough became overwhelming. We weren't meant to live like this.
I was a former RN and became a Stay at Home Mom at 35. My life before motherhood was unfulfilled, draining, mundane and I hated it. Now, 3 years later, I’m loving every single day and embrace being a Mom. I’m much happier in traditional gender roles and my husband is an extremely supportive friend, partner and parent. He works very hard as an Executive Director and Partner at his consulting firm. I’m so appreciative for the opportunity to be able to be who I truly am and that’s a Stay at Home Mom and Wife.
What’s the key you ask? Don’t feel obligated to do these pointless Mommy and me groups. They are filled with negative women and gossip. You get pulled in and the life sucked out of you for feeling the need to commit to these other women’s expectations of motherhood. Just do you and don’t take on the world!
Being a mother is THE single most rewarding thing any woman can do. I’ve raised three children and now onto grandchildren. Not raising them but enjoying them and helping as much as i can. My husband and I cut back on every expense we possibly could so that I could stay home and raise our babies. My husband is an excellent provider and even though we didn’t have a lot of money in those early years, we did fun things with the kids such as taking walks every evening, family movie nights with homemade pizza, playing in the backyard with an inflatable pool. I had other friends who also stayed home with their babies and we took walks together and had our kids playing together as well. My husband is also an excellent father and he would take the kids from me many days when he came home from work so I could have an hour or two of alone time if I needed it. We have a partnership. We each do whatever needs to be done but since I’m the one home most of the time, I GLADLY do most of the cooking, cleaning, etc and he does the vehicle maintenance, lawn care etc.
I would beg women to please not let society make you feel like you’re less than or even to tell you you’re depressed when you’re home with precious babies. They are a gift from God. There is absolutely no greater work you could be doing. And there is no ‘stuff’ worth leaving them in someone else’s care during those important precious years where, of course your exhausted sometimes! You’re doing THE most important job in the world when you’re comforting a sick child! Of COURSE it’s hard! The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world! It’s the hardest job in the world but it is absolutely the most rewarding in the world too. Don’t give in to the pressures of society.
Is this entirely a female problem? Men are dying in deaths of despair in record numbers. I feel like this affects us all.
Today, I drove my 6 year old to school and rushed back home to attend an online meeting, I am a project manager for a web3 startup and just now I finished washing our dishes from the entire day, and here I am unable to watch the entire video coz I'm so sleepy. Then I get a hug from my daughter saying: "Mom, it's time to sleep." And you know what, I'm the happiest.
If you can’t handle everything and responsibility then don’t. But when you’re 56 with no kids no partner and alone. Be prepared to face the reality that maybe you were wrong in being so selfish
This talk didn’t say anything new.
I actually found this talk to be uninspiring unfortunately. I don’t want kids. Based on how many women talk about how lonely it is, depressing, how miserable they are. It would have more valuable to hear about how we can do this differently – ok yes have a friend but is that going to solve the amount of time you spend in a car shuttling kids around? No. Is this going to solve the problem of being isolated in the suburbs? No. What are actual tangible solutions??
I worry about my sister in law, she had a baby 6 mos ago & she’s been doing things she never normally would have done. She doesn’t seem content with her new life, and like she’s trying to fill a hole. I don’t want to tell her what she’s doing wrong, bc she thinks it’s right & it would upset her & come off as judgement. It’s not, I just don’t want to see her sabotage her marriage & look back with a bunch of regrets.
I feel like moms don't have a life and should accept that they have no life so the don't break down
exactly what I need to hear:)
I love my kids but what I had to go through and still going through is alot…
I SO NEEDED to hear this talk. Thank you so much.
Thank you, I just found you, and already started to listen to your Podcast. I am a mom of two and returning to my career after seven years and need to stay positive of leaving them to the care of Grandma and dad when I am at the office FT weekly.
It's funny when a TedX speaker says a bunch of stuff that's already been pointed out for years, but they act like they're letting us in on new discoveries.
Yesss. The hardest is the first 2 years, when your baby can’t talk to you and you can’t really do too much with them. It gets extremely lonely in the first 2 years.
I would like her to acknowledged fathers are in the equation, not one mention of a father? I understand it's Moms. I guess it's tough for all of us.
Geez I know writing in YouTube's comment section is risky, but I am so happy I found this video, and I love to come to the comments to read other moms perspectives just to not feel alone. What I am having trouble with is the amount of comments of people without kids that found this comment section the perfect place to explain or gloat to people with kids how much better life is for them because they don't have kids. I know that if anyone does respond it might be on of these people whom need to seek validation for their choice and might feel triggered that I pointed this out, but when I didn't have kids…which wasn't long ago I only have one 4 year old. I never sought out parenting videos or conversations because that lifestyle wasn't on my radar. So I guess my question is what makes a person who made the choice to not have kids come on a page to tell people with kids how great their life is without them? (SN: you opinion or perspective is valid.)
Moms feel a lot of pressure to keep it all together but the more we are open about what we're going through, the more we can get support.
This video maid me emotional I have children and all the feelings you said is what I have and do feel, but to have a family and to see them grow is what makes me happy, nothing comes easy and its about finding a balance. No wo/man is an island.