Today I’m sharing some real excerpts from my personal journals when I was 14, showing how messed up fundamentalist religious …
4 COMMENTS
At least you have the excuse that you were taught to think this way by your own family! I wasn't raised within fundamentalism at all, but around high school age when I started really caring about being a Christian, I allowed myself to be sucked in to a way of thinking and a church that were possibly just as crazy as yours. I had the bad tendency at the time to consider the most extreme voices as the most authentic (because they weren't compromising or "wishy-washy") so in a sense I was responsible for my own "brainwashing."
Over time, the most negative effect this had on me was somewhat related to your comments on medicine, but in my case with mental health. I'd already been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder as well as Aspergers. But for whatever reason, the anxiety only started really getting in the way academically when I was in college, and I ended up having to take 2 extra years. But I didn't really place any stock in psychology – I pretty much regarded all issues of mental health (whether anxiety, depression, etc.) as resulting from underlying spiritual problems – possibly involving something demonic, but even just from a lack of faith, or lack of prayer, or God's punishment for sins. So essentially I didn't admit to myself that I had any psychological issue, and didn't seek any kind of help, and instead just beat myself up over a long period for the spiritual/moral failures that I blamed for my difficulties. And this also involved cutting myself off from most of the friendships I had previously – basically, I considered myself a huge failure and didn't feel I could face everyone else who were graduating school at the normal time, were already moving into careers, etc. Even looking back now, the years from about 2006-2008 feel like a total haze, as if I were barely living at all, and I still haven't completely recovered.
So anyway, these are some effects of warped religion, whether we're indoctrinated or we self-indoctrinate. I get the sense that in your case, you felt you needed to make a pretty clean break with Christianity itself in order to become free of this (and, I know, because of intellectual difficulties you now have with it too). But I'm glad you recognize that not all (and I don't think most) religion or Christianity is toxic in this way. My own way out of this mindset involved a process of realizing how much richer, more mystical, and more affirming of the messiness of human life the Christian faith as a whole is (and above all, how much kinder God is) than I had previously believed. But wherever anyone ends up, I agree it's so important for us all to come to a place where we can be upfront about our struggles and questions in a genuine and vulnerable way – with ourselves, within our faith communities, and with people who believe completely differently – and to view us all as people on the same human journey who can learn new things from each other. So thank you again for sharing, and sorry again for writing so much!
Great video! Your story is very, very similar to mine. Christianity made me a mental nutcase. I too shunned and looked down upon people who chose not to live as strictly as I did. I was so afraid of doing the wrong thing, thinking the wrong thing, displeasing God. It was a nightmare. I'm so happy that I'm free to be just who I am now, and in doing so I'm able to allow others to be their authentic self as well. Thanks for sharing your story.
Maranda, I just found your channel. Thanks for sharing! I was raised fundamentalist Christian and faithfully kept a diary since age 12. Sometimes when I look at it, I notice how many knots I tied myself in and how I wasn’t able to express any negative emotions or doubts about my religion- even to myself. When I was 18, I wrote, “There are some things I really don’t understand, like why some people who aren’t crazy about church are better than those who are. Maybe we take advantage of your grace too much and forget the sacrifices we need to make to be good witnesses… I need to do what I’m supposed to do and put you first. There are some things I’ll never know. I just need to seek your will for my life.” Trying to excel in college was problematic because I thought I was focused too much on “worldly” things and thought, why should I even try to succeed when I should be witnessing instead and when the world might end anyway? I ended up getting pulled in so many directions mentally that I got severely depressed and was misdiagnosed as bipolar for a large part of my 20s. I practically diagnosed myself because I was so sure that the problem was internal and wasn’t willing to say anything bad about my religion or my parents. I have been off meds for 2 ½ years, have rebuilt my life the way I wanted to, and am picking up where I left off academically. It’s strange, but I feel freer and more complete without religion. It’s like that “still, small voice” they always talked about in church was me all along and religion warped it so it could be used as a form of control. I’m sure there are many more of us who have lost years of our lives to fundamentalism. Thanks again for sharing!
So glad to see I'm not the only one. I was an atheist (actually more of an agnostic tbh) before becoming a Christian in 2013 at age 12. I decided God was real on my own, but I didn't get "saved" until I started going to a fundamentalist church a while later. (I only went bc my then-boyfriend attended lol). Let's just say I went from a hater of Christianity and fairly secular to spouting absolute nonsense. I'm now 17, and glad to say that the fundamentalist shackles are almost gone. Still a Christian, but trying to have an actual relationship with Christ and read the Bible for myself without IFB crap attached to it. Unfortunately, I'm still stuck at my church. 🙁 I do try to convince other teens in the church to think for themselves and wade through the old-timey, mega-conservative (and often racist, sexist, homophobic, etc.) rhetoric that is spewed from the pulpit.
At least you have the excuse that you were taught to think this way by your own family! I wasn't raised within fundamentalism at all, but around high school age when I started really caring about being a Christian, I allowed myself to be sucked in to a way of thinking and a church that were possibly just as crazy as yours. I had the bad tendency at the time to consider the most extreme voices as the most authentic (because they weren't compromising or "wishy-washy") so in a sense I was responsible for my own "brainwashing."
Over time, the most negative effect this had on me was somewhat related to your comments on medicine, but in my case with mental health. I'd already been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder as well as Aspergers. But for whatever reason, the anxiety only started really getting in the way academically when I was in college, and I ended up having to take 2 extra years. But I didn't really place any stock in psychology – I pretty much regarded all issues of mental health (whether anxiety, depression, etc.) as resulting from underlying spiritual problems – possibly involving something demonic, but even just from a lack of faith, or lack of prayer, or God's punishment for sins. So essentially I didn't admit to myself that I had any psychological issue, and didn't seek any kind of help, and instead just beat myself up over a long period for the spiritual/moral failures that I blamed for my difficulties. And this also involved cutting myself off from most of the friendships I had previously – basically, I considered myself a huge failure and didn't feel I could face everyone else who were graduating school at the normal time, were already moving into careers, etc. Even looking back now, the years from about 2006-2008 feel like a total haze, as if I were barely living at all, and I still haven't completely recovered.
So anyway, these are some effects of warped religion, whether we're indoctrinated or we self-indoctrinate. I get the sense that in your case, you felt you needed to make a pretty clean break with Christianity itself in order to become free of this (and, I know, because of intellectual difficulties you now have with it too). But I'm glad you recognize that not all (and I don't think most) religion or Christianity is toxic in this way. My own way out of this mindset involved a process of realizing how much richer, more mystical, and more affirming of the messiness of human life the Christian faith as a whole is (and above all, how much kinder God is) than I had previously believed. But wherever anyone ends up, I agree it's so important for us all to come to a place where we can be upfront about our struggles and questions in a genuine and vulnerable way – with ourselves, within our faith communities, and with people who believe completely differently – and to view us all as people on the same human journey who can learn new things from each other. So thank you again for sharing, and sorry again for writing so much!
Great video! Your story is very, very similar to mine. Christianity made me a mental nutcase. I too shunned and looked down upon people who chose not to live as strictly as I did. I was so afraid of doing the wrong thing, thinking the wrong thing, displeasing God. It was a nightmare. I'm so happy that I'm free to be just who I am now, and in doing so I'm able to allow others to be their authentic self as well. Thanks for sharing your story.
Maranda,
I just found your channel. Thanks for sharing! I was raised fundamentalist Christian and faithfully kept a diary since age 12. Sometimes when I look at it, I notice how many knots I tied myself in and how I wasn’t able to express any negative emotions or doubts about my religion- even to myself.
When I was 18, I wrote, “There are some things I really don’t understand, like why some people who aren’t crazy about church are better than those who are. Maybe we take advantage of your grace too much and forget the sacrifices we need to make to be good witnesses… I need to do what I’m supposed to do and put you first. There are some things I’ll never know. I just need to seek your will for my life.”
Trying to excel in college was problematic because I thought I was focused too much on “worldly” things and thought, why should I even try to succeed when I should be witnessing instead and when the world might end anyway? I ended up getting pulled in so many directions mentally that I got severely depressed and was misdiagnosed as bipolar for a large part of my 20s. I practically diagnosed myself because I was so sure that the problem was internal and wasn’t willing to say anything bad about my religion or my parents. I have been off meds for 2 ½ years, have rebuilt my life the way I wanted to, and am picking up where I left off academically. It’s strange, but I feel freer and more complete without religion. It’s like that “still, small voice” they always talked about in church was me all along and religion warped it so it could be used as a form of control. I’m sure there are many more of us who have lost years of our lives to fundamentalism. Thanks again for sharing!
So glad to see I'm not the only one. I was an atheist (actually more of an agnostic tbh) before becoming a Christian in 2013 at age 12. I decided God was real on my own, but I didn't get "saved" until I started going to a fundamentalist church a while later. (I only went bc my then-boyfriend attended lol). Let's just say I went from a hater of Christianity and fairly secular to spouting absolute nonsense. I'm now 17, and glad to say that the fundamentalist shackles are almost gone. Still a Christian, but trying to have an actual relationship with Christ and read the Bible for myself without IFB crap attached to it. Unfortunately, I'm still stuck at my church. 🙁 I do try to convince other teens in the church to think for themselves and wade through the old-timey, mega-conservative (and often racist, sexist, homophobic, etc.) rhetoric that is spewed from the pulpit.